Grief And The Holidays

When words are stuck.

You feel that they want to say something.

You feel you should say something.

You can sense they are hurting and that the words they want to say…are hurting them, by staying inside.

You want to say something.  You want to have the right words, say them with the right voice, to invite them to say, what they want to say.

You want them to feel, what they are feeling, while at the same time wanting to take away their pain.

It’s a conundrum.

You would think that with my own personal experience that I would be able to do just that. That I would be prepared to do just that.  Maybe you don’t think that, but I do.

I should know. I should be able to. I should be the one with the combination of nouns, pronouns, verbs and other language tools to unlock someone else’s stuck words.

Because I should know.

Grief is the feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to find when we need them one more time, they are no longer there. Adapting to the absence of a loved one is difficult enough. But the first holiday season, with its constant reminders of holiday joy and tradition, can be especially painful. ~The Grief Recovery Method

Whether it is the first, second or the upteenth year without your loved one, the holidays can be a challenging and emotional time.

And I agree and concur that society has created normalcy around not talking about it, about not broaching the subject.  Those of us, who have experienced loss may also perpetuate that taboo as well.

Because it may not feel safe, to express the words that we are holding inside, or not feel safe to invite another to release the words they are holding within.

We may feel that by saying nothing is safer and that we are being kind and compassionate by not saying the words or hearing theirs.

The Impasse

It would be perfectly understandable, and socially acceptable to keep those words stuck.  To not ask or invite the person who you feel is holding those words inside to share.

Or you can take a deep breath and ask them, “Are you okay?”, and be present and open to listen.

You get to choose.

And so do they. 

They get to choose whether to share the words they are holding inside, that tell both them and you how they are feeling.

Or choose to decline.

Honour whichever decision they make.

You can be present—hold space—inhale—exhale—and just BE there—with them.

That can be as powerful, and sometimes even more, than having the right words.