The Grief Of Health Changes
This is not limited to your own health, but how the health of another affects you, your life, and your relationship
I’ve been on the receiving end of bad news, a number of times. Which in turn, has put me in the position of having to be the bearer of that same bad news, to others.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross M.D., is renowned for her book, On Death and Dying, in which she writes about the five stages of grief. The book, originally published in 1969, was based on what she observed and learned from people at the end of their life. The stages, were then adopted/accepted, for decades, as the stages for everyone’s experience with grief and loss.
Personally, I’ve never read the book, but do have a clear memory of doing a Google search to find out what stage I was in, after the death of my husband. I wanted to use the stages as a means to measure how close I was to the finish line.
I would have embraced a checklist of things to do and not do.
I would have loved a template or flowchart for managing expectations for that of myself, my children and everyone else in my life.
I would have taken projected timelines or duration ranges as the gospel truth, because I wanted to know that there was a finish line of some description for feeling the way it all felt.
~from “How To Survive Grief and Loss”
One of the first things I learned, during my training with The Grief Recovery Method, is that there are no stages, to identify or quantify, where you are in a grief journey.
I was taken aback by that. Because I believed that the stages gave people hope, a sense of certainty, that they wouldn’t feel like they were feeling—forever. And I have come to know personally, and learned from those I have worked with that, grief has no timeline.
Receiving Bad News
It was April 16, 2024, that my Brother-In-Law, received his devastating diagnosis, that his body being overwhelmed with cancer. He succumbed a mere 6 weeks, following the news.
He had been admitted to hospital, and as was our pattern, I went to the hospital alone, to visit him. I’ve been by his side, multiple times, when he had been injured and other times, when he had stomach trouble.
I always did the first visit solo.
As I was the one who would then have to convey to my daughters, his nieces, who were the center of his universe, what happened and what was going to happen. I needed the time to learn the diagnosis, absorb the prognosis, and most importantly feel—before I could share it with my girls.
This time, he chose to share the news with them, himself.
Stages of Processing Bad News
Major health changes - physical, mental and emotional health, and it may be either positive or negative. This is not limited to your own health, but how the health of another affects you, your life, and your relationship.
Everyone’s reaction to receiving bad news is unique; based on Kübler-Ross’s work, emotional responses can include:
Denial
“This can’t be happening.” and/or “Maybe they made a mistake.”
-Feeling numb, detached, overwhelmed by the shock and disbelief.
-Avoiding the reality of the situation or downplaying its severity.
-Seeking second opinions or delaying necessary next steps.
Anger
"Why me? This isn’t fair!" and/or "Why you? This isn’t fair!"
- Feeling frustrated, resentful, or even blaming others (doctors, fate, oneself).
- Anger may be directed outward (toward people or circumstances) or inward (self-criticism, guilt).
Bargaining
"If I/you do [X], maybe things will get better."
- Making promises to a higher power or trying to negotiate with fate.
- Desperate searches for alternative solutions, treatments, or lifestyle changes.
Sadness & Depression
"What’s the point? It’s too late, I/they should have [X] earlier.”
- Deep sorrow, exhaustion, or a sense of hopelessness.
- Withdrawal from social interactions or struggling with daily life.
Acceptance
"This is the reality. How do I/we move forward?"
- Adjusting to the diagnosis, making plans, and seeking support.
- Acceptance doesn’t mean being "okay" with the situation, but rather finding ways to cope and live with it.
Other Possible Emotions
Guilt – Feeling responsible or like a burden to others.
Fear & Anxiety – Worrying about the future, treatments, or how life will change.
Relief – In some cases, a diagnosis brings clarity after a long period of uncertainty.
It’s important to remember that these emotions don’t always follow a strict sequence and can resurface at different times. Support systems, counselling, and self-compassion can help navigate these feelings.
There isn’t a perfect way to deliver bad news.
There isn’t a perfect way to receive bad news.
When health changes affect yourself, or someone you love, feel the feelings and choose compassion and seek support, as you navigate the grief.
"I wanted to use the stages as a means to measure how close I was to the finish line."
So true for so many.