What Not To Say When Someone Is Grieving.
Because no, you don't know how they feel.
What is Grief?
As defined by The Grief Recovery Method:
Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. It is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behaviour.
When we look at grief through that lens, some may see that an experience they had and felt deeply, was potentially grieving the end of or change of something, however never considered it may have been grief.
Because no-one wants to grieve. Ever. Since grief is associated with a very significant and potentially dire event in one’s life.
However, there is power in calling it what it is, since it’s then possible to be more compassionate and gentle with ourselves and others as we feel what we are feeling — and heal from whatever you have lost.
Grief is no longer the emotion reserved primarily for losing a loved one, as perhaps it was in generations before today. My post, An Incomplete List Grief, includes an array of life events, some of which you will nod in agreement with and others you may have to ponder. Either way the list is incomplete as it will undoubtedly continue to evolve and expand.
Here is an abbreviated list:
Death
Divorce or ending of a significant relationship.
Pivotal life events: retirement, career change, financial or health problems.
World Events: Pandemic, War and laws being overturned.
Intangibles: Loss of trust, loss of safety, loss of purpose, loss of hopes, dreams and expectations for the future.
These events can surely stand alone, however, one event is likely intertwined with other loss events. And when we experience a loss today, it is not impossible that grief from a past experience(s) comes forward, which can feel like yet another layer.
Grief is Universal and Unique
I’ll use the pandemic, as an example.
Globally, we had a collective bond over having experienced the pandemic, but each of us had our own unique matrix of loss and other experiences based on geography and personal circumstances.
Therefore, we may be able to imagine how someone in another part of the world or across your street felt, but in truth—we truly cannot know—definitively.
Universal because it affected the world;
Unique because of our own individual experience.
Why this matters
Talking about our own grief and knowing how best to support someone who is grieving is important.
If you have experienced a loss, some people may say, “I know how you feel”, which for all intents and purposes, is to bridge connection and subtly tell them they are not alone in having this experience. There may be commonalities but it is never identical, because even though the loss may be universal, your relationship to what or whom you have lost is unique to you.
Do they mean it literally? Sometimes. Maybe. Yes. No.
It’s just something you say.
Stating, ‘I know how you feel’, can commonly be followed with context about their loss and experience with grief, essentially those stories express and explain ‘how they felt’.
And there may be similarities, a lot of them.
Here’s the But…
When you are expressing condolences or acknowledging someone else’s loss and then segue into telling them a story about your own loss, that can reverse the dynamic and now the griever feels compelled to offer support to you.
Which can potentially lead them expanding on their story, to forewarn or forearm, the griever to watch out for this or that. Maybe even giving details or directions for them to be sure to do this or that.
IT IS TOO MUCH INFORMATION.
Loss can equal feeling like you are treading water, trying to keep your head above water, with all of your wardrobe on then someone says, “Can you hold this for me?”
There is no doubt in my mind that your intention is to be helpful. Although, I will also invite you to keep it simple and sincere.
A more empathetic response would be to say, “I know how I felt when I lost …”.
This makes space for the griever to hear what you have to say without subconsciously attaching expectations of what may come based on your experience, and in turn possibly sharing what they are feeling.
Grievers want and need to be heard.
Then you could add that if they wanted to know more about all that you learned along the journey, make yourself available when they have the capacity.
If you don’t have a shared loss experience, saying, “I can’t imagine what you are feeling.”or “I can’t imagine what you are going through”.
Even telling them, “I don’t know what to say.” is honest and authentic.
Or simply, “I’m so sorry.”
Same parameters can be used whether you are seeing them in person or this appears on social media. You can acknowledge their loss and support them by, liking the post and/or leaving a comment.
Depending on your relationship opting to make a personal phone call, visiting them or sending a card in the mail is still a wonderful way to let someone know you are thinking of them.
Question:
How do you express condolences? Let me know in the comments.
It's awkward and a hard situation. Thanks for writing about this so we can think about it and prepare beforehand.
I've always relied on letting my feelings show in my eyes if it's an in-person conversation, and letting them know that I'm sorry they are going through it. But I'm never sure if I reacted the right way.
So this is interesting. When my husband's mother passed he did not like it when people said "I'm so sorry". It triggered him so much. So I asked him, what would you prefer? And he had no alternative. It's always been on my mind to find that alternative but the I'm so sorry just comes out so naturally as it's true. People genuinely are sorry for what you are going through. Perhaps the alternative is to just listen and be present for the person.